Fostering love for those who are not their own
Foster parents tell their stories of opening their hearts and homes
BY JENNIFER AMATO Staff Writer
Lilliam and Gary Costa, of North Brunswick, are both on their second marriages. Lilliam has two children fromher firstmarriage:Michael Jr., 16, and Michaela, 13. Gary has a daughter fromhis previous marriage: Harleigh, 12.

Although they looked into in vitro fertilization to try to have a baby together, they were intrigued by a flier handed out by a woman, coincidentally also named Michaela, at the Reformed Church ofHighland Park, who was trying to create interest in foster care through the Children's Home Society in Trenton. The Costas consulted their biological children andmade the decision to become foster parents, and have since fostered seven babies in the past 17 months. They currently are housing two medically fragile, drug-exposed babies through the Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) in theNew Jersey Department of Children and Families.

"We don't ever see it as a responsibility. We don't ever think about that," Lilliam said. "It's not a job, it's just a way of life. It just comes so natural for us to care formedically fragile babies."

The Costas are just one of the families trying to house the 12,000 children inMiddlesex County who are in need of foster homes.

Lilliam Costa said the biggest influence on her decision to be a foster parent is "the value of life." She said she understood this because of her son, who is severely handicapped and blind, but "it is an entirely different situation when you are responsible for someone else's life and their well-being. The challenges that are presented to you can certainly be so frightening, but when you see the results, it's a totally different ball game and becomes truly rewarding.

"I just want every child in this world to be as blessed as we were and our children. To be nurtured, receive unconditional love and a place to call 'home.' Not much to ask for, nor does it take much to give. Whether it's temporary, long term or forever, every child deserves a chance in thisworld. I think many people have it in the backs of their minds, but are afraid or are not sure what they can do. Perhaps by bringing awareness, we can make a difference," she said.

The Costas have housed children from about 4 days old to 7 weeks old, and their current children are 14 months and 15 months old, whomthey have had for a little over a year.

Lilliam said, "A child can never have enough love" and they all deserve a second chance.

"We get very attached to the children. It's a wonderful opportunity to give children a home whomay not have had a home otherwise," Gary said. "We love to do it. … We do it because they need a home just like any other child. Just because they have a health problem, they still need to be loved."

Yet Lilliam does not deny that the separation process is very difficult.

"There are a lot of tears. We reminisce. Faith is the biggest thing. We know we did everything we can. Unfortunately, you can't keep every baby, although we wish we could keep every baby that came through our door," she said.

However, Lilliam said families must make several considerations before even beginning the process. She said the babies are very delicate and their needs are demanding, but "we don't give up because the babies don't give up."

"We wish we had homes for all of these babies," she said. "They didn't ask to be born this way. Everyone deserves to be loved, regardless."

She also said an agreement is needed between spouses, and childrenmust be consulted. She saidMichaela was upset at first because she felt "replaced," but she spoke to her about sick children and about four or five months later her daughter said she was OK with it.

"She has been the best big sister, she just loves it. You can see in her eyes she is a future foster mom as well," Lilliam said.

Rose Kasper also has fostering in her blood. The Monroe Township resident grew up with foster siblings - her mother was a foster parent because she was inspired by her friend who fostered. Rose also found out hermother's father'smother also had foster children.

"My mom was always telling us there are more babies that need us," she said.

She and her husband, Nick, have three children of their own, Nicole, Nikolaus and Michelle, and have adopted twin girls because their family asked them to keep the babies after they had fostered them.

They began fostering in 1984, referring to it as "a calling."

"You let go but they'll always be a part of you. When you let a foster child into your home, they become part of your family. You love that child and treat themas your own," Rose said.

Because the Kaspers' children are grown now, with their second grandchild on the way, Rose said her kids help out with the responsibilities. But she said they never felt their own childhoods were interrupted, despite the 35 children who have come in and left their home, and they instead embraced the fostering process. Especially now that, in addition to their adoptive girls, they have another foster child in the home who needs surgery, her biological children are ready to assist with anything their parents need.

"As a mom, it makes me feel so good," Rose said. "I love the company of the babies. I love to love them. …You fall in love, they become part of you and there is no way you can imagine saying goodbye to them."

Again, Rose described fostering as a lot of sacrifice and a 24-hour, seven-day commitment. Especially with medically fragile children, they can only be with trained people, so you can't leave them with just anyone. She said her twins needed therapy and speech programs, and with her sick baby now, there are constant cardiologist, orthopedist, nurse and clinic visits.

Rose said she didn't know what to expect at first with the constant physical attention and the emotional strain. "But you nevermind," she said. "You want to be there for them. It's very deep that you're needed."

However, Rose's one complaint is that there is a limited transitional period when the children are returned to their caretakers. She believes there should be a prolonged reunification period in which members of the new home gradually visit the children in their home environment because technically they are strangers. She said it must be done until the babies feel natural.

"The gratitude that is expressed is very deep to you. As a foster parent, it's been very rewarding," she said.

Just like Lilliam, she described the day of departure as "never knowing what a broken heart felt like until that day" because of the attachment to the children. Yet after what she describes as a grieving process, she has to heal emotionally and then opens her home - and her heart - to the next children in need.