They sure have a funny definition of romance

Lori Clinch

Are We There Yet?

At a family reunion last weekend, I learned that my nephew had proposed to his girl by telling her that he'd like to be on her insurance by the end of the summer.

After hearing such a tale of love, I couldn't help thinking of the way that my own beloved spouse asked me to tie the knot.

Although I told my husband, Pat, that he should marry me very early on in our relationship, he made it quite clear that the engagement couldn't be official until a one-year anniversary of dating had been reached.

Since he was everything I ever wanted in a man, including the ability to swing a hammer and center a picture on the wall, I would rather have had the ball of marriage rolling after a three-month dating period, but I was willing to wait.

By the time the man realized that he would be proposing to me, my whole family knew. My mother had been whipping up silk bouquets, my sisters were lining up activities for the bachelorette party and my father was passing out cigars at the coffee shop, as he chuckled, "We've finally found someone to marry Lori!"

Sadly enough for me, I had been watching soap operas. I watched men whisk the women that they loved away. I saw them wine them, dine them and take them to extravagant settings for dinner. I saw hopeless romantics give five-minute tributes of love that were interrupted by bleach commercials. Those guys worked on setting the mood for a proposal for the better part of an hour.

I prepared for my own proposal by paying attention to detail. I had my hair done, banished myself to a carrot-only diet for a week, bought a dress and had a fake set of nails put on. I bought a name-brand moisturizer, sprung for a new pair of pantyhose and practiced saying "I do" to anyone who would listen.

When Pat said he planned to make a day out of popping the question, I was giddy with excitement. I'd envisioned a lovely garden somewhere in the country. Like the proposals on the soaps, I imagined babbling brooks, blue skies and perhaps a string quartet playing "Hearts and Flowers" just for me.

I'd imagined that he'd planned a peaceful and romantic setting where he would lavish me with compliments. I was sure that he would go into a poetic description of his love, devote himself completely and perhaps say that he sooner die than to live without me.

As the day started out, you can just imagine my surprise as he told me we needed to swing into a warehouse and pick up a load of siding. You could almost picture my astonishment as I sat in the front seat of his half-ton Chevy while he ran to the nail shed and stocked up.

"It's fun to be together like this, don't you think?" he asked as he grabbed my knee.

"Well," I replied, "I was hoping for a little more romance."

"Nonsense," he said, "this is plenty romantic. Here, I'll even toss these pneumatic tools on the floor and you can sit right alongside me as we drive over to the Lumber and Timber Store."

We spent the better part of the day shopping for building materials and loading up on tools. By the time that man was done, the back end of his truck was loaded down.

Finally, as evening approached, he pulled into a fancy restaurant. I wiped a little grease off his chin. He very sweetly brushed the sawdust off my shoulder. We made our way to the little table in the corner and I prepared to be romanced.

I couldn't wait for him to tell me how he loved the sparkles in my eyes and couldn't imagine living without me. I was sure he'd say things like "I love the way the moon dances on your hair and I'd sooner die than to live another moment without you." I was sure he would become overwhelmed with love as he begged me to agree to be his bride.

"Well," I asked him as he closed his menu, "is there something you want to say?" I was so eager with excitement that I couldn't stand the thought of waiting another minute.

"Oh, yeah!" he exclaimed as he reached into his pocket, "I almost forgot." With that he plunked the ring box on the table and said, "Here you go. Now let's hit the salad bar!"

I guess romantic proposals must run in his family.

Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book "Are We There Yet?" You can reach her at www.loriclinch.com.