Couple challenges N.J. in historic suit
Sarah and Suyin Lael, Dayton, seek same rights as married couples
BY CHRIS GAETANO
Staff Writer

CHRIS KELLY staff Sarah (l) and Suyin () Lael, with their daughters Tenaj (l), 7, and Zenzali (r), 8. The Laels are plaintiffs in the New Jersey Supreme Court case regarding whether or not to allow same-sex unions.

Like many families, the Laels worry about paying their bills on time. Like many families, they worry about the education of their children. Like many families, they worry over whether their dog, Scooby, is going to accidentally knock something down and break it.

Unlike many families, the Laels worry that if one of them gets ill or injured while in the wrong state, the other won't be able to sign for them at the hospital. Unlike many families, the Laels worry about whether they'll be allowed to decide what to do with each other's bodies if one passes on, or whether their employers will ever let them put each other on their health policies.

Sarah and Suyin Lael, of the Dayton section of South Brunswick, are part of a family that has worries that many other families do not. This is because, in the eyes of the state of New Jersey, they are not a family at all, because they are both women and same-sex unions are not legal.

Don't try to tell them this, however - the pair has spent 13 years of their lives together. They changed their last names together. They own a home together. They raise three children together. And yet, on a legal level, they are strangers to each other. To the Laels, the fact that they are both women should not make them any less of a family, and they intended to prove it.

On June 17, 2002, the pair went to the registrar of vital statistics in Franklin Park, where they used to reside, and requested a marriage license. The resultant rejection led to a lawsuit, which reached New Jersey's highest court on Feb. 15. Now they, the other six couples who are plaintiffs in the case, and the entire state of New Jersey are awaiting the decision.

Differences in rights

New Jersey currently has the Domestic Partnership Act, which confers some rights that heterosexual married couples have to same-sex couples. According to state Assemblywoman Linda Greenstein, who represents the Laels' district, the benefits and drawbacks of the Domestic Partnership Act still need more study before action is taken.

"We just did the domestic partnerships, and I think what we need to do is see how that's working, and clearly, at least part of the problem here is that there's only a very limited number of rights granted by domestic partnership. There are many rights couples don't have if they're not married, and so at least part of that is examining this and figuring out what rights are missing here and what we may need to add at some point," said Greenstein.

Greenstein noted that she is still unsure whether marriage for same-sex couples will be the end result of such an examination, but said that she would not support any constitutional amendment to ban same-sex unions.

Sarah Lael vociferously disagrees that the Domestic Partnership Act is adequate to meet the needs of same-sex couples seeking more security for their family.

"It's not equal, it's not the same, and it's very misleading. Since the lawsuit began, I've worked for two different school

districts. Both times I've gone to the human resources department for both places and I asked if Sue and I became domestic partners, would I be able to put her on my health insurance, and on both occasions, I was told 'No, it's not in the contract, but maybe two years from now, with the next round of contract negotiations. But no, at this point there's nothing I can do.' And I think eventually you'll get health coverage but there's not an immediate response. People think it's equal but it's not in a lot of ways," said Sarah.

According to Suyin, the issue is about more than just health insurance. While the pragmatic effects of being legally married are desirable to her, she also feels that it's important for the stability of her family as well.

"I think it's also about the example we want to set for our children. We tell them, 'You grow up, you get married, you have children.' We tell them that all the time: 'Don't have children until you're married, until you're in a relationship with someone.' And it's kind of hypocritical because we would be married if we could," said Suyin.

In the meantime, they still - like many other parents - need to go to work in order to support their three children, all of whom are enrolled in the South Brunswick School District. They have been living in the township since June 2006, having made the decision, like many other parents, due to the school system.

Sarah is a speech therapist working with special needs children, while Suyin is an administrator for a nonprofit corporation. The two met at a workshop held by the company they both worked for at the time.

"We just never saw each other until we were thrown together for five days and I think it was the first day or second, I don't know, I just looked across the room and there she was, and I felt this immediate connection. I asked her to go out with me that day and we went out to lunch with a lot of other people, and then I called her that weekend and I asked her for a date," said Suyin.

At this point, the story is interrupted by one of their daughters, Tanaj, who asks for help with her homework. She needs to know how many medals a certain Olympic skier has. They quietly solve the problem and then continue the story.

"It just felt more ... instant than anything, and it's kind of the first time I ... felt that suddenly about somebody, and it just kind of felt like a knowing," said Sarah. "I kind of waited for other things to come so it would look more reasonable. I think that's what it was, it just felt very sudden and everything else was a matter of confirming things - 'So you're like this,' or 'This is what you like to do.' "

Building a family

It was after being together for six or seven years that the Laels made the decision to have children. The pair weighed their options as to different methods, but in the end decided to adopt.

"We were looking into those options and we were presented with the opportunity to adopt internationally. At the same time we were looking at all the other options, we're getting information from sperm banks and looking at donors and going through the whole process when we were presented with the opportunity for international adoption. And that was immediate and something we could do right away, so it was just the easier thing to pursue at the time," said Suyin.

"It also felt like the right thing to do. It's just, this door opened up with this possibility we had to adopt," added Sarah.

The adoption process was a difficult and convoluted one, like it is for many families, though Sarah chalks up most of these difficulties to the fact that it was an international adoption from a country with an unstable political situation: Liberia. Their first daughter had to be adopted twice by Suyin - once in Liberia and once in the states. Sarah then had to file for adoption separately and needed to have a home study done. Still, after a long and hard process, their eldest daughter, Zenzali Lael, who is now 10 years old, arrived.

The pair decided to buy wedding rings before their first daughter arrived.

"We finally got wedding rings before our oldest daughter arrived because I didn't want to have a baby and not have a ring. We had gotten married at a mass demonstration years ago, but we didn't have real rings; we had fake rings that kind of fell apart. But when finally, our daughter was about to arrive, we both got rings," said Suyin.

The pair also changed their names to their current surname of Lael, which was Suyin's middle name, when their first daughter arrived. Before, they had been Sarah Mengers and Suyin Thomas.

"We tried Mengers-Thomas, Thomas-Mengers, we tried all the letters, moved them around, looked back a few generations on either side and we didn't like how anything sounded," Sarah said, laughing.

Zenzali, who was 11 months when first adopted by the Laels, when about to enter kindergarten, gained two sisters whom the Laels adopted simultaneously, Tanaj, who was 4 and Danica, who was 2.

"We were all in shock for a year. They were shocked, we were shocked," said Sarah.

Ask them about their children and their eyes light up. Without hesitation, they enthusiastically describe their daughters' behavior.

"Tanaj is a little princess. She loves to wear fancy dresses and fake fingernails, she loves to dress up. She loves to read. And she loves to help people and she's really sweet," said Suyin.

"Zenzali is the diplomat. She can talk anyone into anything," said Suyin.

"She's a good negotiator," said Sarah.

"Dani is the serious one - she is absolutely incredible," Suyin said. "She's the youngest, she's really analytical. She basically taught herself to read; she would sit under the table when the other kids do homework, and start spelling words or start doing math problems."

According to the Laels, their children have not received much in the way of harassment from other children for their family life.

"They have had to explain things a lot," said Suyin.

"Yeah, like, 'Oh, you can't have two moms,' " Sarah said. "But it's more of a factual kind of question, like 'Oh, how could that be?' It's not pejorative. They're more curious."

The Laels say that they also have a good relationship with their teachers and the administrators and, like many families, introduce themselves to their daughters' teachers each year.

While the Laels have a home life that seem much like any other family's, the fact that, legally, they still must check 'single' on government forms is still something deeply troubling to them and something that they wish to eventually change.

"We hope, you know, with all our hearts that it is legalized for lots of reasons. There's the safety and security it would give our family and there's the fact that we really love each other and we're committed to each other and we want that to be recognized," said Suyin. "If we were your children and our children were your grandchildren, what would you want for them?"

"What's inside people is what counts more than outside appearances ... and it's the love that you feel for each other that should count," said Sarah.